I'll Be There For You

I shouldn't be feeling like this - but I do

2010-02-20T22:50:00.002-06:00

My whole life I've not only had a fear of rejection - but I've faced rejection. I'm not talking about not getting a solo in choir or a part in a show - I'm talking about friends rejecting me as a person. I often times feel that when I finally get enough courage to let my true self show- my "friends" reject it and start judging me and stop calling me when they're doing stuff - or avoid me in the halls. This is something I started going through in high school - my number of close friends from freshmen year to senior year diminished a lot. I would say that while I knew everyone in my graduating class I had about 4 that I would consider my close friends. Most people would be very content and blessed with 4 - and I was and I cherished their friendship - but what was hard was going from 10-12 to 4. All of the sudden nearly 8 or my close friends decided that they weren't going to call me anymore - and didn't care to hang around me. And now I can feel it happening again.

And it's not that my friends are doing something huge - like literally turning around when they see me or not recognizing that I'm there. But it's the looks and the side comments. I've always been a very intent listener - not necessarily an eaves dropper - but if someone is standing next to me and were just conversing with me and they say something to the next person under their breath - I usually hear it. Often times I don't want to hear it but I do. But I've also always been good at dhearing things and not reacting to them (so as to appear like I didn't hear/notice anything). The thing that really hurts is the looks or the eye-rolls. It makes a person feel unwanted. I've also always been the type of person who can connect the dots very quickly - I might assume things too much but more often then not I'm right. It hurts when I hear "through the grape vine" that people are doing something without me. I will generally communicate with one or two people to call me if anyone is doing anything so that I can come hang out with people. Then later (when I don't hear anything) I'll ask someone else what they're doing and they'll say, "oh ya we're all over here doing something..." and that usually includes the person who was supposed to let me know. Sure they may have forgotten - but no one forgets 4 times in a 2 week period. So that makes me start to think it's intentional.

Yes I might be overreacting - but I think that my suspicions are valid. If they're not true then no harm done - but don't forget me. But if they are true - will someone please tell me what I'm doing wrong? I've very open to constructive criticism.

Tomorrow

2009-08-14T19:30:00.002-05:00

So tomorrow I move out of home and into my own apartment. It's weird in all honesty. My room is completely vacant and there's a truck sitting in the driveway with all my stuff in it. It's crazy to think about all that's gone on in this room. The tears on the pillow, the slammed doors, the late night movies, and the Jesus encounters. I moved into this room when I was 4 years old and now 16 years later I'm moving out and starting over in a new room. The last 16 years in this room have been great and while I don't think I'll live in this apartment for the next 16 years I am excited to find out what those years will hold. I'm looking at this as an opportunity to start over and obtain a new outlook on life. This apartment represents so much more than just a new place to live. It represents the point in my life where I truly get to take charge and make change happen for myself. There is nothing holding me back and I'm ready to take off. And I'm never looking back.

Honesty...it's the best policy

2009-07-31T21:52:00.004-05:00

I just wish people would be honest with themselves first...because if people would be honest with themselves they would understand what they truly feel before they start misleading other people. It just sucks when you think something is one way and then all of the sudden the person realizes they feel completely different. Being honest with other people is my new goal in life. I'm tired of beating around the bush and not saying the whole truth. If I am truly going to be honest with myself then I'm truly going to be honest with those around me.

Money

2009-07-28T22:18:00.003-05:00

You can't live without it
It frustrates you beyond belief
When you get it - it leaves before you know you had it
Life sucks without it
Jesus thought it was important enought to mention it more than any other hot topic
It can be liberating
It can be overwhelming
It takes sweat and blood to get it
AND I DON'T HAVE ANY!!!

February 7 2006

2009-07-22T22:18:00.002-05:00

When i'm lying in my bed at night
When the tears roll down my cheek
When i can't get it off my mind
When i wonder if i'll ever be good enough for them
When will they ever accept my best
Will it always have to be better
Will they even hear me crying
Will they even care
Will they see my hurt
Will they know i suffer
Will they even care
When i need them most
When the hurt is deep
When the pain doesn't stop
When will they even care
When i'm lying in my bed at night
When the tears roll down my cheek.
Author - Known

I wrote this three years ago - in so many ways it's crazy how life has changed and then again it's crazy how life's the same.

Long Conversations

2009-07-18T13:53:00.003-05:00

Life - or at least my life - seems to be so full of long conversations and so many of them begin around 1am and don't end till 4am. I often ask myself how in the world I am even able to continue on with my life when I stay up so late talking. And they are never just casual conversations; usually they consist of an intense topic and tears both joyous and painful. Frankly it's exhausting - but I love it. I can't count the times that I've been in the middle of a conversation and I have an overwhelming sense of what I need to say or a question I need to ask. I have literally felt God speaking through me. There are hardly words to describe the feeling. It's almost as if I'm overtaken by something and have no control over what I am saying (in a good way) and once I regain control I actually ask myself, "What did I just say? Where did that come from?" So often, I find, the words I just used to encourage someone else are things I myself needed to hear. When I walk away from a situation like that I have to remind myself to listen to my own advice because I know that God used me, but He was also speaking to me. It sounds crazy and unreal - but it is awesome. Knowing I have been used by God is one of the most rewarding feelings I have ever experienced.

confusing?

2009-07-16T18:13:00.001-05:00

Is there a way to make life less confusing and difficult? Ok so I know that's a rediculous question -but it's actually one that crosses my mind almost on a daily basis. I've been through a lot in my life and there's actually alot that I've never talked about with anyone. But would talking about it make it easier to cope with? Because no matter who I tell and what advice I get I've still done things I regret. I try to say it on a daily basis but living life with no regrets is hard. I have people in my life who would not judge me if I told them because they will love me no matter what; but what if I just don't want anyone to know?

Why not

2009-07-15T00:04:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I feel like life gets so crazy that we forget to really live it. I was shopping today looking for picture frames and there was all this artwork saying how we should live our lives to the fullest and dream about the future they were all catch phrases that are nice but do we ever really think about them. My favorite is "Laugh as much as you breath Love as long as you live." I can just see someone buying it cause it looks pretty and says nice words hanging it on their wall and just leaving it there...but whey does it end there. Why is it so hard for us to love those around us constantly? And I'm not talking about the four letter word that freaks people out kind of love - but I'm talking about the love that is unconditional that looks past everything and anything. When it comes to love we all think way too much. So many people are so focused on the rational thing to do or say - but what about how you really feel? For so long logic has ruled our lives, but what about letting love rule our lives for once? I mean it is a command straight from God. "This is my COMMAND: Love each other." John 15:17 - So why not start letting love infest our every thought, word, and deed?